Insecurities of Motherhood and How they Refine Us

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness

Her children arise and call her blessed: her huband also, and he praises her

Proverbs 31: 26-28

Last year when we found out we were pregnant we were ecstatic!!! Even from the get-go though......aka the pregnancy test......I started to have insecurities about motherhood. I'm sure all of you mothers out there know what I'm talking about, but it is definitely one of the things you can't fully understand until you've been there and done that. I know I have not even skimmed the surface of the insecurities that come with being a mom, but also know that I can find peace in knowing that I can lift these moments of mistrust and weakness up to the Lord and He will refine me through this process. For all you moms and moms-to-be out there, here is a list of some of the insecurities that motherhood has brought me thus far and how they have and will refine me:

1.) The pregnancy test........Will I be able to get pregnant? Will I be able to stay pregnant? Will it be the right time to get pregnant? How will our lives change? I longed for this moment that the pregnancy test would be positive, but yet was I prepared for what "positive" would mean. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor asking God to prepare my heart for the whatever the test would show me (as I had taken a couple before and they had been negative). It was a very intimate moment and when I saw the word "pregnant" I was ecstatic!! From this point on, the insecurities and worries would begin and I quickly realized that I couldn't combat the lies from the enemy on my own. God would be my strength!

2.) The welcoming of Owen Patrick into the world..........as most of you all know, I had some complications with my pregnancy that could have possibly decreased the chances of Owens survival upon birth if I had delivered naturally. Fortunately I have a great doctor who is very empathetic and was there every step of the way to ensure that she would take every precaution necessary to keep this little baby safe. At one point in time, we even discussed the possibility of needing to be hospitalized from 32-36 weeks. All of this was very overwhelming to me and I would realize through this that I had absolutely no control over this little life growing inside of me. Where I would find comfort was in knowing that God is in control of every situation and this pregnancy would bring him glory no matter what the outcome. The support that was there for us in this trying time was unreal, our friends and family were there letting us know daily that they were there for us physically, emotionally, and most importantly were praying for us and Baby Boy Hart every step of the way. It was amazing.

3.) And then the Harts became a family of 3...............I thought about how this would change our family, but never fully contemplated how this would effect my relationship with my husband. I now had to fulfill two very important roles in my family, a wife and a mom! Learning to balance these 2 roles would not come easily, but would constantly refine me as a woman of God. Still to this day I struggle with balancing these 2 roles, but have to remind myself that being a Wife to my amazing husband is the first role God intended for me in our family. To be the mother God intends for me to be, I must be the wife he intends for me to be.

4.) Owens growth, development, and health........this is a huge source of insecurity every single day and has been since even before he was introduced to the world. Nursing did not come easy for me at all, and was something I desperately wanted to be able to provide for my baby. Owen wouldn't latch on in the hospital which lead to desperation using a nipple shield and eventually giving in to the bottle. Owen was only 6 lb 5 oz when he was born and couldn't stand to lose too much weight so I would do anything to ensure his weight gain, even if that included giving up on nursing. Thankfully God gave me a very supportive husband to encourage me to continue to try and at 5 weeks Owen finally got the hang of it. Yes, God gave me the energy to pump every 3 hours around the clock. Yes, He gave me the desire to keep trying to nurse Owen. Yes, He gave me enough milk to adequately provide nourishment. God just kept providing, maybe not in my time, but nonetheless he provided. Owen kept growing big and strong, just as God had planned for him. Even through ear tube placement due to multiple bouts with ear infections, a constant cold, reflux issues causing Owen to cough constantly, and a few rounds of pink eye.........God provides!

5.) Owens discipline and spiritual growth.............this is one of the insecurities of motherhood that has recently started rearing its ugly head. Owen is only 9 months old, but it is already time to start training him. Sometimes I have days when I don't know if I am cut out for this job of bringing up this child to be a member of society someday and more importantly to eventually have a personal relationship with Christ. I have realized that being a mother is a very important job and entails so much more than diapering, feeding, and playtime. Will I have what it takes to raise him in the fear and admonition of the Lord??? Absolutely!!..........if I know the truth of the gospel, live my life as a child of God, and invest in my childrens spiritual growth every single day! I am up for the challenge and know I can do it through Christ who strengthens me:-)

6.) Being a mother again.......someday that is...........Kevin and I believe it is so important to trust God with the timing of having more children. What does that mean? A constant battle with the enemies lies about having more children. Will we be able to handle it? Will we have enough love to go around? Do I want to be pregnant again already? These are just a few of the things that go through my mind. The resounding answer is, yes yes yes!! Gods timing is the perfect timing and this is something Kevin and feel very convicted about!

7.) Revealing of my sin........as a mother we are required to be very selfless! There are moments every day when this sin as well as many others are made very apparent to me. Before I became a mother I was a pretty selfish person, but was never really aware of it. Now that I am a mother I am constantly reminded of the need to be selfless. This little boy needs me and my selfishness has to be checked at the door. Thankfully, I am not a slave to sin because I am a child of God!

There are so many more insecurities of motherhood that I encounter every day and I am sure you moms out there that have more than one child are just laughing at me because I don't even know the half of it yet. I am continually refined by motherhood and for that I am grateful!